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9 names WAY better than 'Xbox Series X'

(Image credit: Microsoft)

The Xbox Series X is cool. A sober, minimalist design that houses and exudes plenty of power. There’s only one bad thing about it: that bloody stupid name.

Sony’s naming may be boring but it is coherent. What comes after the PlayStation 4? The PS5! What comes about the Xbox One X? The Xbox Series X? Come the xxxx on. 

What the hell were they thinking? Did Xbox chief Phil Spencer and his team write down all the possible good names on tiny pieces of paper, put them in a hat, give the hat to a monkey to pick one, then the monkey ran away with the hat and threw it into an active volcano before coming back to Redmond to lobotomize everyone in the Xbox marketing team using an Allen key?

It’s a plausible theory that explains this dumb name.

Why Xbox Series X is a bad dumb name

First of all, it’s just plain confusing. The top of the line Xbox is the Xbox One X. Isn’t that too similar to Xbox Series X? And wouldn’t the Xbox One X be one of the X series too? 

And then, it just sounds terrible. Xbox One X was bad enough with three Xs in the name. Xbox Series X is even worse because it’s longer. Longer brand names are worse than short ones.

So, without further ado, here are nine names that are better than Xbox Series X:

Xbox Scarlett

Hey, Project Scarlett already has a lot of press and buzz. People like it. Turn the green glow into red and you got a winner.

Xbox Anaconda

Do like Apple and macOS: add the codename to the brand, like macOS Catalina. The codename for the Xbox Series X is Anaconda. A giant snake from the Amazon river doesn’t sound dumb. It sounds impressive and powerful and can eat whole PlayStations without even chewing them.

Xbox Amazeballs

If you are going to just pull dumb names out of your derriere, go full in and don’t go the wishwash path with this mothercluster Xbox Series X name.

Xbox Monolith

Play with the hardware form factor. At least it has some real association to the product.

Xbox One Z

Because Y is “Why” and Z comes after that. Z is the last and ultimate letter. Stupid, I know. Still better than the original.

Xbox Omega

Talking about ultimate letters and having the final word. A metaphor for crushing Sony in what could be the last console war ever.

Xbox X2

Just drop the One. Keep the X. Add a 2. Simple. Easy. Keep increasing the digit down the line. It’s not that dedicated standalone consoles are here to stay, anyway. Stadia, Microsoft xCloud, and the rest of streaming videogame services will take care of that.

Xboxx

I know, it sounds like some porn production studio. But that’s how bad Xbox Series X is — a fake porn studio name still sounds better than Microsoft’s name.

Xbox

Why don’t just drop all the arbitrary last names and focus on the brand. After all, people can see the new design. It’s not that they are going to confuse it with the console that came years ago (and these things come out every few years). That’s enough. And just call the less powerful Project Lockart the Xbox Lite. 

And, done!