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The CAT User's Manual
User Installation and Maintenance Documentation
CAT v. 7.0: Completely Autonomous Tester
Manufactured by MOMCAT
System Design Specifications:
User Friendly
Mouse Driven
Self Cleaning
Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use
Self Portable Operation
Dual Video
Bi-directional Audio Input/Output
Primary and secondary output ports: high-speed serial port for
streaming
data and standard parallel port for data blocks.
Auto search Routines for Input Data
Autocracy for Output Bin
Instant Transition (<2 nanoseconds) Between Standby and Full Power Mode
Production Details: After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes
six
weeks of onside ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features
are
installed during this period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers, there
may
be variations between units. MOMCAT's quality assurance may reject
inferior
units. Users may sometimes salvage rejected units.
Beware of Far East clones. These may violate import restrictions.
Transportation:
A suitable transportation case should be used for transportation to the
operating site. Failure to properly ship a CAT unit may result in loss
or
damage to the unit and serious injury to the user.
Installation Procedures:
Upon receiving the CAT unit, the user should examine the unit to verify
that
all I/O channels are operational. Look for minor bugs in or on the
system.
Bugs are indicative of the MOMCAT production environment. The user may
manually remove any bugs.
Bring the CAT to operation in an environment temperature at 20º C (±
3 º
tolerance). Use a quiet room with the primary user(s) present. Open the
transportation case and let the CAT unit auto exit. Initialize the self
learning program catfind() by displaying the input bins. These should
contain H2O (liquid state, room temperature, 99% purity) and dry energy
pellets. Immediately afterwards, display the output bin.
If the user already has a CAT unit successfully installed, it may be
possible to download BASIC routines to the new CAT. For the first day
or
two, the CAT will stay in self learning mode. When the learn buffer
overflows, the CAT will auto switch to sleep() mode. This is normal.
The MMU
system will store the new information to permanent memory. After 72
hours,
the CAT will be interacting with the operating environment.
The unit may be placed in direct sunlight. CAT units are operational in
all
axis: standing, sitting, or laying down. If all basic environment
requirements are satisfied, the CAT system will produce a slight hum.
This
is normal.
A new CAT should not exit the primary site facility. Full portability
comes
after extensive burn in. Some users never let the CAT unit auto exit
the
site. The advantages are longer unit life and fewer bugs. Contact with
pirate CAT units may lead to unplanned BATCH iteration. Contact with
untested CATs may lead to virus infection. If allowed to exit, some CAT
units may try to port across a street. Fatal errors may happen. If you
decide to let your CAT out, it should have a READ_ME.TXT file with a
system
address and URL which identifies the host site.
Your CAT should have a system name. The name may need to be
reinitialized
repeatedly until the system can read it correctly. This lets you issue
voice
commands to bring the unit to an online state. Many owners give their
CATs a
secret password as well. You can also get the CAT's attention by
booting the
system. While this is effective, it is discouraged. Too much booting
will
abuse the system. Such units will sit across the room with its back to
you.
Applications:
At present, there are few productivity applications for CAT.
MOUSE is a killer app. This is pre-installed.
Many owners use their system for game playing. CATs play best when they
are
young. Older units suffer a system timing decay which leads to reduced
response and flexibility. Some CAT games are:
CACHE
The CAT will CACHE a data string. Similar to the K9 unit game, but the
object must be smaller.
JUMP
Move the data string through the air. The CAT unit will reach new
heights of
operation.
MIRROR
Place the unit in front of a mirror and watch it attempt to parse
itself.
Some units may ESCape. Reboot the system by calling its name.
CHASE
Played between two CAT units or a CAT and a K9 unit. Units take turns
as one
is the data and the other attempts to parse it.
SING
Offer fishy data code to elicit a range of audio output.
BUGHUNT
Some CAT units are very efficient bug hunters.
Maintenance:
CATs will self-recharge. This takes 20 hours in a 24 hour cycle.
CATs are self cleaning and require little user maintenance. Do not
clean the
unit with alcohol or benzine-based solvents. This may lead to a violent
explosion.
A CAT unit should be taken once a year to a VET (Very Expensive
Technician)
for a system checkup.
Do not attempt to open a CAT. There are no user serviceable parts
inside. If
a unit emits strange smells or sounds, it should be serviced
immediately by
a VET.
You may examine the rear of the CAT unit to determine if it has a male
or
female scuzzy port. CATs with a male port may emit a non-toxic aerosol.
The
VET can remove this component. CATs with female ports are plagued by
periodic heating problems. The VET can fix this permanently by removing
an
internal part. Such systems run unix.
In senior CAT units, male scuzzy ports can become blocked, leading to
extensive VET visits and serious performance limitations.
Warning Notices:
CAT systems are user-friendly. However, in certain documented
situations, a
CAT may pose a danger to the user. Repeated jamming or obstruction of
I/O
ports may lead to deployment of auto-defense systems. Never attempt a
first
strike on a CAT system. Its CPU clock rate made to milspecs and thus
classified, but JANE'S FIGHTING FELINES notes that a unit was seen by
ham
radio operators to be apparently moving at 500 mHz. Twin D-shaped
five-pin
spike connectors have an average seek rate of 3 nanoseconds. The
manufacturer is not responsible for injuries to the user. These spike
connectors require monthly maintenance to avoid damage to site
furniture.
Do not poke anything into the CAT's I/O ports. CAT may BYTE.
In dry, cold weather, a surface electrostatic charge may build up. To
avoid
electric shock, stand on an insulated surface.
Do not operate the CAT above water. This may lead to end-user damage.
Carry a CAT firmly. Do not swing it by its "tail".
The self-programming feature of the CAT unit may introduce functions
that
are not user-friendly. For example, the CAT will quickly associate
display
of the transportation case with a trip to the VET or the offsite
storage
facility. In such instances, the CAT will self-initiate the ESCAPE
mode.
This requires the user to employ SEEK and CAPTURE programs to
reestablish
control of the CAT in order to place it in the transportion case.
Service Life:
As CATs become older, the learn program will recognize every situation.
The
CAT may become too smart for its own good.
CATs like to have their own toys. They often have hobbies, such as bird
watching or studying tropical fish.
If you properly care for your CAT, it will give you years of loyal
service.
Many users get a second unit. Most users don't need the extra capacity,
but
they enjoy the ability to run complex simulation games.
If the user will be absent from the host site for an extended period,
provision for CAT maintainence must be provided. Options are:
Offsite storage.
This may cause errors in user-associated CAT programs. Some
reprogramming
may be required.
Onsite maintainence by contractors. Contractors must have full access
to the
host site. They should provide full I/O service to the CAT and not boot
the
system.
User Groups:
CAT users can find other users and the faq on the Usenet newsgroup
rec.pets.cats.
Lifetime Warranty:
The CAT unit is guaranteed against catastrophic failure. Nine coupons
are
included.
If the unit operates in networks that experience heavy traffic, some
units
may use all nine coupons in one confrontation. This can lead to system
failure.
Documented Problems:
The Ctrl key on most CAT units is defective. This may lead to serious
performance problems.
Do not install a BIRD unit at a site which has an operational CAT unit.
These systems are not compatible. The BIRD unit may be erased
permanently.
The self-cleaning feature that comes standard with CAT units has a
capacity
limitation. The unit's recycle bin eventually fills and then empties
without
warning.
CAT units have an internal clock. These normally initialize automatic
programs (CLEAN, etc.) These cannot be reset by the user. The internal
alarm
clock often goes off 30 minutes before the user's alarm clock.
System Features:
Models = Main frame, desktop and laptop models (smallest footprint in
the
industry). Available in 15 inch, 17 inch, and 19 inch sizes.
Interface = Touch sensitive interface for maximum user friendliness.
Memory = Not much. Upgrades available real soon now.
Expected Lifetime = 15 years with ± 72 months (although 20 years are
common).
Weight = 3-6 kilograms without optional cables.
Speed = 3 nanoseconds search/find with self-uprighting supertwist
technology.
Color Graphics = Either paper white, monochrome (black/white), 64 grey
shades, or maximum of 16 million colors with 40 terrabits of high
resolution
floating point pixels.
Sound Chip = 16 octaves, digital MIDI output (MI/OU).
Power Consumpution = 250 grams protein daily (2 micrograms per second.)
Operating Range = -30º to +45º C (-22º to 105º)
Vibration = 5-500 Hz, one octave/min, dwell at all resonance points.
Contacting CAT Technical Support
Our highly trained technicians are ready to help you. As soon as they
wake
up from their nap.
Submit your CAT bug report. Requests for enhancement (rfe), etc.
Remember:
it's not a bug, it's a flea. Don't bother sending in your complaints:
just
like your CAT unit, our technicians won't pay attention either.
As a public service, these web sites may be of interest to CAT users.