What do I need to watch and record TV shows on my HP laptop with Windows 8. No internet available.

Thing is, you will need a capture card if your laptop did not come with one.
Since you mention an HDTV, I assume you have connected it through an HDMI cable
(looks like this http/odstatic.com/ethek.com/hdmi_cable_2_logo.jpg
)
or one of these http/image.dhgate.com/albu_313820189_00/1.0x0.jpg


And capture cards that use HDMI are expensive. If you can settle for SD and have RCA Cables coming from your tv/cable box (This ones )
Then you could use something like this
http/www.amazon.com/Diamond-Camcorders-supporting-composite-connection/dp/B000VM60I8/ref=sr_1_3?s=pc&ie=UTF8&qid=1419313048&sr=1-3&keywords=capture+card

or

http/www.amazon.com/Dazzle-DVD-Recorder-VHS-Converter/dp/B00EAS14KI/ref=sr_1_1?s=electronics&ie=UTF8&qid=1419313229&sr=1-1&keywords=pinnacle+dazzle

I reccomend these, because they can just be plugged into a usb port and you claim to have no technical expertise, so an internal card is out of the question. Especially factoring in that you're on a laptop.

Here's one with HDMI and HD Composite (this one will record in HD) http/www.amazon.com/Roxio-Game-Capture-HD-PRO/dp/B008YTAGGW/ref=pd_cp_sw_1 It's for games mostly but It should do TV Too.

Once it's plugged in, you can open Windows Movie Maker, Windows Media Center, or the software that comes with the card.
The Dazzle is highly recommended because it's not that expensive and Pinaccle Studio comes bundled to capture. It's really self explainatory and it will guide you step by step. User and noob friendly.
The others also have easy to use software and it's mostly a Plug and Play affair.
Here's the one that comes with the least expensive one in action:
[video="https/www.youtube.com/watch?v=_k4AWylGTN8"]https/www.youtube.com/watch?v=_k4AWylGTN8[/video]

Here's the Dazzle Step by Step and INCLUDES CLEAR INSTALLATION INSTRUCTIONS THAT APPLY TO ALL
[video="https/www.youtube.com/watch?v=uRJ9-WKdv9E"]https/www.youtube.com/watch?v=uRJ9-WKdv9E[/video]

And this is how you install the HD one:
[video="https/www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3gHClQsRns"]https/www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3gHClQsRns[/video]

GOOD LUCK!